Gone again, gone again…

I didn’t abandon this blog.  The truth is, I’m probably never going to be very good at posting regularly. It’s something that I’ve learned over time, and learning more about myself every day. I recently found a bunch of diaries I kept when I was a kid. They are full of big gaps and me remarking how long it’s been since the last time I wrote. They are full of promises to renew and buckle down and start to do it every single day. And every time, another gap, another oath, another yadda yadda yadda.

It’s a theme in my life really. I’m a starter, not a finisher. I have big ideas and big visions and big intentions, and then I lose interest and don’t follow through. It’s all over my health and diet plans. It’s all over everything.

The funny thing is that at work I am a big success. Part of the reason that I am a finisher there is because I have consequences; if I didn’t get my work done, I could have a poor performance rating, or get fired. But a bigger part is something different, less negative reinforcement and more positive. I’m a big visionary kind of thinker.  I revolutionize my work place and the reason I succeed is because I get a ton of positive encouragement, a sense that I’m really contributing, a strong feeling of traction, like I’m really getting somewhere and doing something of value. I have a high driving desire for praise and feedback, and a strong need to do well.

That doesn’t serve me so well on a health plan. Sure, I have my husband and my family and friends who say nice things as I lose weight or get more active, but that feedback is slow and far between. Weight loss and body development are slow, slow roads of inches (literally!) won. When you do it for as long as I would need to to get to a healthy size people lose investment in your fight.

I think my need for validation and praise is detrimental to me. I think it holds me back. I know it comes partially from the way I’ve been socialized as a woman, partially it is inherited/taught by mother, and a large part of it has to do with a self esteem so low it drags on the ground.

I’m not sure how to get over that. At least with dieting you can count calories in vs out. How on earth do you get over your need to have enough praise to stop from derailing?

I’ve been dealing with some things in the last while. They’re related to a deepening understanding of the OCD side of me… a place I’m only really beginning to understand and recognize, even though I’m starting to realize has been there for a very long time.

I’ll write about that someday, but not today. For now, I’m not apologizing for posting, I’m not making promises I won’t keep. I’ll come back here when I come back. Sometimes I’ll get traction, sometimes I’ll disappear for a while. If anyone’s reading me I hope you’ll stick around through that. If you can’t I understand. I’m working on not needing to know if you’re even there.